


But True Love Is a Durable Fire

by wicciangirl



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Biphobia, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 01:08:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12121254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wicciangirl/pseuds/wicciangirl
Summary: Aaron returns to Emmerdale to find Robert has left and he has made a terrible mistake.





	1. Chapter 1

Aaron took a deep breath as he readied himself to deal with everything he had left behind months ago needing to clear his head after Robert's one night stand with Rebecca. It had taken some time but he now saw he had made a mistake leaving Robert. It had taken some time for Aaron to realise Robert had probably slept with Rebecca because he had broken Robert's heart when the blond had visited him in prison. He had forgotten that when Robert was hurt he tended to go into a spiral of self destruction and sleeping with Rebecca was the way Robert could hurt himself most of all because it was breaking their marriage vows.

Aaron accepted Robert would have moved on by now since it had been six months, there would now be another who shared Robert's life but he had to accept it. How could he blame Robert for moving on when he had ignored every attempt Robert made to contact him, returning the letters Robert sent every week for months and blocking Robert’s phone number.

Aaron opened the door of the Woolpack and smiled in greeting at Vic who glared at him before turning around to wipe clean one of the tables, pointedly not looking at her friend, still angry with him for leaving.

“Aaron, why didn’t you call me. I would have picked you up,” Adam said with a wide grin at his friend.

Not wanting to look too desperate to find Robert he shrugged replying, “No need, it wasn't that long a drive. Where is everyone?” 

Vic said bitterly, “If you mean, Robert he is gone. He said it hurt too much to be here surrounded by memories and having everyone hate him. When you left everyone blamed him for your self harming and for making you leave your family behind. No one seemed to care that he was hurt. He wouldn't talk to me, not that I blame him. I was too caught up in Rebecca, to see how much he was hurting and that's on me. You and the rest of the Dingles managed to drive him away. He has blocked all of our numbers so I don’t even know if he is okay.”

“So he is alone?” Aaron said worriedly knowing Robert didn't always make the best decisions when he was left to his own devices.

Seeing the worry in her friend’s eyes Vic considered the possibility that maybe he still loved her brother and maybe he could be the one to bring her brother back home. She knew Robert would do anything for Aaron. 

“Can we talk in the back?” Vic said knowing her brother would be annoyed if anyone knew something about his private life.

Aaron nodded, worried that Vic didn't feel comfortable talking in the almost empty pub. Just what had happened to Robert? He led the way to the lounge and gestured for Vic to sit down, too worried to take a seat himself.

Sitting in the sofa Vic explained gently, “The day Robert left, I went to the Mill and there was a letter for me and one for you. I could feel your envelope had a book inside it.”

“Just get straight to the point,” Aaron said annoyed his friend was beating around the bush, he could just feel something big was coming and he hated being kept in suspense.

Vic snarled, “I'm getting to it. Anyway my letter just said ‘I'm sorry, Vic it hurts too much to be here. Please give Aaron the letter if he ever comes back and tell him I am sorry I wasn’t the man he deserves.’ I know I shouldn’t have done it but weeks later I was worried when he blocked my number and I knew he still loved you and I thought he might have given you a number so I opened your letter. The book was his diary and I know it was a complete invasion of privacy but I really thought he might have put something in his diary that would help me find him so I read it. It made me sick....Robert didn’t agree to sleep with Rebecca.”

Aaron felt himself pale at Vic’s words feeling sick that the man he loved had been violated and he hadn’t realised it. He hadn’t seen Roberts pain, he had abandoned Robert when the man needed him the most.

“Have you told anyone else?” Aaron asked knowing Robert wouldn't want anyone to know about the worst night of his life.

“No, Robert would never forgive me but I did tell that bitch to leave town or else I would go to the police myself. Here,” Vic said wiping angry tears from her eyes with one hand and taking an envelope from her pocket.

“Thanks, can you tell Adam I'm unpacking or something. I...I need to be alone right now.” Aaron said needing time to deal with everything he had been told and to gather the nerve to read Robert's letter.

Looking at her friend carefully Vic’s mind flashed back to the scars she had spied on Aaron's torso when he had stayed over at her home with Robert, back when everything seemed so much brighter. With a careful nod, she walked out of the room, ready to convince her husband to give Aaron some much needed space.

Aaron picked up his back before walking up to his bedroom with the envelope under his arm. Taking a shuddering breath he settled on the bed, bracing himself for the horror that was about to come. He opened the letter first and started reading.

“Aaron,  
I know you probably don't want to hear from me ever again but I have some things you deserve to know. I...I know you probably don't believe me but I never consciously cheated on you, why would l when no one else can make me feel like you do. The diary in this letter should explain everything I wasn’t sure if I should tell you everything but you deserve to know the full truth warts and all. Please just remember one thing, I love you and I am sorry I couldn't be the man you deserve. If you want to throw everything away, that is okay, I just felt you deserved to know the truth. If you don't want to read it, please destroy it.

Always yours,  
Robert”

Putting the letter to one side, Aaron opened the leather bound diary knowing he would be forever be changed by what was inside.

“Tuesday  


Its three am and I actually managed to sleep two hours last night, although I was still plagued with nightmares. Why did I decide to give the whiskey a miss last night, not that it really helps but I don’t think anything will, I just have to find a way to get past that fucking night. Hell, its not like its the first time someone refused to take no for answer it just hurts more this time because it made me lose the only person I will ever love. The nightmares have been worse than normal this week, now that I know there is no one there to help me out of the dark pit my life has become but perhaps it is what I deserve for causing so much pain to others. How could I have been so stupid to accept her help? I dread going to sleep since all I do is relive that night, the room spinning as Rebecca gets me another drink. I stumble as I try to walk and she offers to help.  


She starts to try to take my clothes off, I say no but she doesn't listen, saying that I owe her a child because she aborted her baby because of me. The room spins again as she pushes me down on the bed, I try and push her off but its like my arms don't work. I tell her no that I don’t want to have sex with her, the only one I want is Aaron. She ignores me. She reaches down and starts stoking my cock, it hardens even though I don’t want this, don’t want her. The next thing I know she is on top of me, riding my cock, I want to push her away but for some reason my arms and legs don’t move. I am frozen, trapped inside hell until I come and she climbs off me.

I know it wasn’t my fault that I got hard, I've read enough about sexual assault and abuse after what happened to my beautiful Aaron but it doesn't make me feel any better.  


Vic is the only reason I can stand to be around Rebecca even though it makes me feel sick and terrified. Its just that Vic is so excited by this baby, especially because she was told she couldn't have children. I can't be the reason Vic cries, she is my baby sister.  


Unfortunately spending time around Rebecca is driving Aaron further and further away . I'm not strong enough to tell Aaron the truth, I can not bear the thought of Aaron seeing I was stupid enough to let my guard down and I wasn’t strong enough to stop Rebecca or pitying me. Its strange really, sometimes I feel angry that Aaron hasn't seen my pain but then if he did notice anything was wrong I would have to tell him what had happened and I am not strong enough to do that without falling apart.  


The sunrise is starting. This is my favourite time of day, the way the sun makes everything look so clean and fresh. If only it was possible for me to be clean again but that will never happen. Time to get up and put on my mask again.

Friday  


Aaron left me today and I know it is all my fault.  


Sometimes I wonder why I am still here at all, everyone would be better off without me in their lives, maybe Dad was right when he said I would never be loved. Vic doesn't care about me, all she thinks about is The Child, the thought of that rapist carrying my child is enough to make me sick but its not like I can tell anyone the truth, most wouldn't believe me and those that did would undoubtedly think it was my fault somehow. Andy has always been the best brother and I know he would be there for Vic.  


Aaron wouldn't care if I wasn’t around. I've done nothing but hurt him and like everyone says he could end up killing himself because of me. All it takes is for one cut to be too deep and my beautiful Aaron would be gone and with him any source of light in my world. Although Aaron left it makes me happy to know he left to take care of himself. He managed to escape before I dragged him down completely.  


Tuesday  


I know I was supposed to write how I'm feeling every day but I don’t see the point. Nothing is ever going to make me feel better, just walking down the street makes me feel sick and unable to breathe.  


Cain came to see me today and threatened me, I'm not sure if I would fight back if he did attack me. Does that make me pathetic? At this point death would be preferable to my life of pain, panic and despair.

I hate how afraid Rebecca has made me feel, some days I can’t even make it out of bed. I know she aborted the first child of mine she got pregnant with but that didn't give her the right to rape me. Nothing could justify what she did .

Wednesday  


I fucked up today. I had a panic attack in town and Harriet found me. I don't know what got into me but I ended up telling her everything. She has promised not to say anything and has given me the number of Survivors UK. It’s an organisation for male victims of sexual assault. She said if I want to go to the police she will come with me. I’m not going to the police, I'm not a fool, it would never get to court, no one seems to think a man can get raped by a woman.  


I’ve been thinking about leaving Emmerdale, it hurts too much to be here. I’m not sure where I can go, hopefully James can find me work. If I work quickly, I can be out of this village by Friday and finally be free.”

Aaron put down the book absently wiping away the tears from his eyes hating that he had abandoned Robert when the man needed him most of all. He picked up his mobile and pressed speed dial one, Robert's number hoping he could speak to the man to discuss everything that had happened between them and the horrifying recent revelations. He instinctively smiled as he listened to Robert's answer phone message, he couldn't believe how happy it made him just to hear Robert's voice.

“Hi, this is Robert Sugden, if this is anyone calling about the car you are too late its already been sold. If you are calling on a Tuesday night, I am at class and I'll get back you tomorrow. If this is a PPI call or someone trying to sell something, I'm not interested in buying anything. Anyone else, just leave a message, and if this is Aaron I still love you.”

Aaron felt his phone fall from his hands, how on hell could Robert still love him after everything he had done? He had betrayed his husband, unable or unwilling to see Robert's pain and cruelly ignoring all attempts Robert made to contact him. Aaron had never realised just how deeply Robert loved him, so much that he had recorded an answer phone message telling Aaron he loved him on the off chance that he would phone when they hadn’t spoken in months. Not to mention, he was outing himself to everyone who phoned the number, knowing that could be enough to make some assholes hate him or refuse to work with him. Robert had always been reluctant to let people know about his sexuality because of the biphobia that seemed so prevalent in society. Aaron knew he himself had made some insensitive comments that must have hurt his husband but he had never apologised.

Aaron felt humbled by the depth of Robert's love, he didn’t think anyone had ever loved him as deeply as Robert. Now, he just had to get the courage up talk to Robert and hope the man could forgive him for breaking his heart and for being oblivious to his beautiful husband's pain. It must have been torture for Robert to see Rebecca every day, too scared and ashamed to explain to everyone just what happened and why he wanted nothing to do with the child she was carrying. 

It occurred to him that he didn’t know what had happened to Rebecca and the baby. Knowing there was only one person he could ask, he made his way to the bar where Adam and Vic were having a drink.

“Where are Rebecca and the baby? Do you have any idea know where Robert is now?” Aaron said quickly, knowing he had to speak to Robert to beg forgiveness and to explain that he still loved the blond.

“Why do you want to find Sugden? He cheated on you.” Adam said unable to understand why Aaron wanted anything to do with the cold hearted blond, who had betrayed Aaron while he was suffering in prison. 

“Because I love him and you don’t know the whole story. I am going to find Robert and we will deal with everything that happened together.” Aaron said determined to find Robert so they could rebuild their live together. 

He hated how everyone thought Robert had cheated on him when in truth Robert had been violated in the worst possible way but it wasn't his place to reveal what had happened to Robert. All he could do was be there to support Robert through everything and hopefully they could build a life together.

At the bar, Harriet frowned overhearing the conversation, unsure if Robert would be able to deal with seeing Aaron again. The blond left Emmerdale five months ago in so much pain that she was unwilling to believe no one had noticed but then perhaps Robert had been telling the terrible truth and no one in the village cared about him. She had watched how the Dingles had turned against Robert, quickly followed by the majority of the villagers who were easily influenced by the Dingle clan. The thing she found most distressing was that Victoria had been apparently been blind to her brother's pain, even without knowledge that her brother had been raped she had known that Rebecca had been the cause of Robert's marriage breakdown. 

Harriet couldn’t help but hope that Aaron didn’t find Robert because she wanted the man to have a chance to heal and process everything that had happened. She had received a few emails from the blond since he had left the village mainly asking for updates on Vic and Diane. In his last email Robert had thanked her for helping him and said he had even been seeing a counsellor for the last month. She would have to send Robert an email and let him know what was going on. She wished the man had given her his mobile number but he had chosen not to and she wasn’t willing to use her slightly dodgy contacts to get the information.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to write this part but I've been stuck in hospital for ten days.

Robert was busy packing his bag for the self defence class; he had joined four months as part of a carefully created plan to regain control of his life. He had also been attending regular weekly counselling sessions and although it had been a slow, often painful process it had helped him heal. 

Robert was proud of himself for managing to regain his life and make steps to recover from what Rebecca and the toxic Emmerdale village had done to him. He had not only had to recover from being raped but from being surrounded by a village of people who had eroded his sense of self, his self respect and ability to trust or love. He had taken a long look at himself after arriving in Manchester and didn't like himself anymore and he had refused to let that continue. After working through everything during his counselling sessions Robert felt in a better place emotionally and had started to regain his self confidence. One thing Robert still regretted was that he had never told Aaron the truth about what had happened in person. He doubted Aaron would ever read the letter and diary he had left behind and it made his heart ache to think Aaron would always think of him as an adulterous asshole.

Moving to Chester had been one of his better decisions because he had been given much needed time, space and help to heal. He had arrived at James's front door with a suitcase and the intention of just staying with him for a fortnight until he found his own place but it hadn't turned out that way. He was still living with James and neither of them had considered changing the arrangement as it gave both of them much needed company.  


James was the only person apart from his counsellor who knew every little detail of how Rebecca had assaulted him. He had been there when Robert had woke up screaming from nightmares, was paralysed by flashbacks and had been amazingly understanding of Robert's sometimes extreme moods swings.

Robert had been unsure what to do for a career when he had fled to his friend’s home but yet again his friend had solved his problems. James had given him a few weeks to settle in before asking if Robert would be willing to become the Office Manager for his legal firm. James had insisted Robert would be ideal for the job and would be doing him a favour by taking the job as he needed to work with people he could trust. If he was honest with himself Robert knew there wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for James. James had been there for him at the darkest parts of his life not just in the last six months but also years ago when he had been trying to fend for himself on the streets after Jack kicked him out when he was still a teen. James had given him a few weeks to settle in before asking if Robert would be willing to become the Office Manager for his legal firm. James had insisted Robert would be ideal for the job and would be doing him a favour by taking the job as he needed to work with people he could trust. If he was honest with himself Robert knew there wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for James. James had been there for him at the darkest parts of his life not just in the last six months but also years ago when he had been trying to fend for himself on the streets after Jack kicked him out when he was still a teen.

For months Robert had debated whether to go to the police about what Rebecca had done to him, which his research had taught him would unbelievably be legally classified as sexual assault not rape before deciding not to file charges. James had nodded in acceptance of his decision saying it wasn't up to him but he would do his best to protect Robert from everyone.

Going into the lounge, Robert picked up his mobile frowning as he noticed a blue light flash on his personal phone that indicated a missed notification. He swiped his finger across his phone screen to clear it; he had no intention of getting caught up in anything tonight.  
*******  
The following morning in Emmerdale Aaron was readying himself for what could be a difficult conversation. He needed to know more about what had happened to Robert when he had been abroad and there was only one person he knew would tell him everything.

Aaron smiled asking, “Can we talk about Robert?” 

Diane looked at Aaron seeing pain in his eyes and her heart ached at the knowledge that even now Robert was still hurting him. Robert had grown into a man she was ashamed to call her son. How could he have cheated on Aaron when the poor man was suffering in prison? Jack would be rolling in his grave if he could see how cruel Robert had been to the man he professed to love.

“Sure, love. Do you want a drink?” Diane said with a small smile.

“No, thanks. What happened to Robert after I left?” Aaron said knowing she would tell him the truth even if it wasn't something he wanted to hear.

Thinking back over the previous six months Diane said, “I think he had a hard time dealing with what he had done to you. I am so sorry that he has hurt you so much; I thought he was a good man like his father. I saw him drunk a few times when he should have been working. I saw him sometimes in the village with Rebecca but he didn't look happy. You know, if it was anyone else I would think he was scared but why would he be scared of her?”

Aaron felt his anger grow as she talked about Robert's suffering but made no mention of trying to help him.

“Did you talk to him before he left?” Aaron asked, certain his husband wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to her.

“Only for a few minutes, I told him that he was wrong to hurt you and I lost my temper and told him that his father would be ashamed to call him his son as was I. Why what has he done now?”

Diane was afraid of the answer knowing Robert didn't care how much he hurt Aaron as proven by cheating.

Aaron could help but feel a surge of anger at her words; Robert was a far better man than Jack had ever been. Robert was the best man he had ever met and had done so much for him without it ever being acknowledged. After everything that had happened, Robert had apparently forgiven Aaron for his betrayal and shockingly still loved him.

Aaron passionately explained, “He hasn't done anything and I have hurt him a lot more than he has hurt me. Do you know where he went or who he could be staying with? I know he has a friend called James but I don't know anything else.”

“No, and I don't think he would have told me if I did ask. Aaron, he cheated on you. Why would you want him in your life? I hate to say it but you deserve better than him and he knows it.” 

Aaron felt sick knowing Diane had probably told Robert that right before he left. He knew it would have cut to the bone as all Robert had ever wanted was a loving family and he had always felt unworthy of being loved. It would probably just cement Robert's long held fears that he didn't deserve to be loved.

Knowing the only way she would see the truth was if he was brutally honest Aaron said passionately, “Robert is a much better man than you all know. Have you forgotten how much has done for me? If it wasn't for him I would be dead, either in the crash or I would have killed myself when everything happened with Gordon. He was always there for me, no matter of the day or night I called him. He loved me even when I couldn't love myself. I am the one that doesn’t deserve him. I love him, I always will.”

Feeling she wouldn’t be able to give him any useful information to help find his missing husband, Aaron said goodbye before leaving the BnB.

When Aaron stepped outside he found Cain waiting, a raised eyebrow directed at him made it clear that someone, probably Adam and told the man that he was asking after Robert.

“We can talk at home,” Aaron murmured, leading the way to The Mill. 

Cain followed his nephew eager to talk some sense into him. Aaron had finally got his head sorted; he didn't need Robert Sugden messing everything up again.

Once inside his home, Aaron gestured for Cain to sit down waiting for his uncle to start trying to change his mind about finding Robert. Although, Cain could talk until he was blue in the face, nothing and no-one would stop him from finding his husband. He knew that he would probably have to let his uncle know what had happened to Robert to stop the man using his contacts a to find and hurt the blond. Aaron felt sick at the thought of his Robert suffering because of him again.

Cain said angrily, “I hear you are trying to find Sugden. You don't need him. He cheated on you and you had to leave because of him.”

“You can't stop me from finding Robert. It is my choice and no matter what anything says or does, I am going to find him and tell him how sorry I am for how much I hurt him. Look, I need to tell you something but I need you to keep it a secret from everyone. I mean it, you say one word to anyone and I will never forgive you.”

Cain frowned, a sick feeling growing in his stomach as he wondered just what Aaron was going to tell him. Just how much had Robert Sugden hurt Aaron?

“Ok, you can tell me anything.” Cain said with a reassuring smile.

Aaron nodded before taking a deep breath and admitting, “Rebecca raped Robert. He didn't want to have sex with her; she got him drunk, took off his clothes and raped him. He said no and she didn't stop. It was in Robert's diary and no he isn't making it up. Robert would never do that, he could never be so cruel and manipulative. You can't fake the emotions in the diary and Vic confronted her. She ran before the police could get her and Robert has gone and I need to find him. I fucked up and I immediately assumed he had cheated on me. I should have known better.

Cain looked at nephew in disbelief, unable to believe what he was hearing. He had never heard of a woman raping a man but no means no. Suddenly he felt sick as he remembered how cruel he had been to Sugden and he had even broken the man's nose in a fit of temper. In an instant Sugden changed to Robert as he recalled how lost, hurt and scared Aaron had been months ago after his years of abuse had been revealed and Robert had probably been feeling some of those feelings but no one had cared enough to notice. Family was everything to him and yet again he had failed in his role of protector. What he was disgusted about most of all was that he had done the most despicable thing and had made a rape victim feel it their fault they were raped. 

“What happened to Robert was bad but are you sure you want to be with him. If you have any doubts you can't be with him. It would only hurt both of you and I think he has been hurt enough.” Cain said knowing Aaron couldn't just resume his relationship with Robert because he felt guilty for not being there to support his husband. 

“I love him more than I have loved anyone and yeah our lives might be a little messed up sometimes, but I want messed up with him forever. I need to find him but all I have is the name James. I don’t even know where this James lives. Vic and Diane don't know anything and Harriet isn't going to tell me anything.”

Cain let out a sigh of relief, this was one thing he could help with, not that it would make up for his past actions. He was sure if he just explained how much Aaron loved and needed Robert, Harriet would say something to him.

"Leave Harriet to me. Just keep your head and don't do anything stupid. Get something to eat and an early night. I will give you call after I've got everything from her."

Aaron nodded in agreement and watched his uncle leave, hoping he would have some good news soon. The temptation to phone Robert to beg for forgiveness and to tell him he still loved him tugged at his mind but Aaron couldn't do it yet. He needed to get his head in the right place before he spoke to Robert so he didn’t say or do something wrong. He refused to burden Robert with his own feelings of failure, regret, self hate and anger. No, he would take time to process his own feelings before contacting Robert. He wanted, no needed, to do the right thing by his husband which meant he had to take it slow.


	3. Chapter 3

“Is everything okay, Rob?” James asked his friend noticing the frown on his handsome face.

Robert nodded, “I’ve got a missed call from Harriet yesterday. She would have called more than once if something was wrong. Do you think she wants to talk about what Rebecca did?”

“I don’t think so from what you said she wouldn’t want to hurt you. Do you want me to stay around when you call her back?”

“No. You’ve got to read over the details of the Michaels case before they come in this afternoon, I’ll let you know what her call was about later. Just find the receipts for your hotel last week by lunch so I can file them with the accountant.”

James nodded in acceptance and walked out of Robert’s office and back to his own, nodding in greeting at the two junior associates carrying a stack of files to the conference room.

Robert took a deep breath before dialling Harriet’s phone number, his nerves growing with each ring.

“Good morning, Harriet speaking.” Harriet said absently as she looked at the notes for her next sermon.

“Harriet, it is Robert Sugden. I missed your call yesterday. Why did you call?” Robert questioned, too stressed to beat around the bush.

Pushing her notes aside Harriet focused her attention on the call replying, “I just wanted to give you the head’s up that Aaron came back to the village on Tuesday and he seems to be pretty eager to find you.”

“Does he seem to know where I am?” Robert quizzed, anxiously.

Harriet stressed, “I don’t think so. Cain came to me last night and again this morning fishing for information. I haven’t told him anything but I can, if you want me to. Just remember that you don’t have to see him if you don’t feel ready to.”

“Can I get back to you about that?” Robert asked knowing he had to think everything over carefully before deciding on just what he wanted Cain and by extension Aaron know about his new life. 

“Of course you can. I am just at the end of the phone if you need to talk.” 

Robert said his goodbyes, reassuring the woman that he would take care of himself before ending the call. Firing off a quick text to James, he tried to figure out just what he should do now. Logically, there were only two options available to him either wait around for Aaron to track him down or he take the initiative and go back to Emmerdale. The problem with going back to Emmerdale was that he would be forced to be around the very people who had betrayed him and he was unsure if he wanted to take the risk of seeing Rebecca. Of course, his impulsive Aaron could just appear on his doorstep once he found him but hopefully Aaron would have the emotional sensitivity to realise it would be the wrong thing to do. 

Robert had spent months hoping that Aaron answer his calls, because it was Aaron’s voice that carried him through the darkest of nights. For a few minutes after he woke up from a nightmare Robert knew that once he had been worthy of love and had been loved unreservedly. Until Aaron the only person he could say loved him was his best friend. Jack had never loved him; he had loved the boy Robert had once been, a boy who had been so scared and in denial of who he really was. Diane, Vic and Andy didn’t love him, how could they when they hadn’t taken the time or effort to look past the mask he had worn for years since leaving Emmerdale when Jack had thrown him out. Aaron had been different, he had cared enough to take the time to look behind the mask and see to the heart of the man he had always been. Aaron had accepted him for who he was and loved him despite everything, it had felt wonderful but Robert had destroyed that love just as he had destroyed everything good in his life.

In his office James looked at the message Robert had sent him, knowing that whatever his friend needed to talk about involved Aaron Dingle. James had come to hate the man for hurting his friend and not realising that Robert had been raped, Aaron should have known Robert would never have sex with anyone else. James had been dismayed at how scared, lost and broken the blond had been when he had turned up on his doorstep. He had never seen Robert in such pain before; not even after Robert had been raped while living on the streets, selling himself to get the money to eat. James had taken great delight in destroying that particular customer although it taken months to get the required information to completely ruin him. 

In his opinion Aaron Dingle did not deserve Robert’s love, but James knew that despite everything Robert still loved the younger man. James had no choice but to wait and see if Robert resumed his relationship with Aaron, if so he would be watching carefully to make sure Aaron didn’t hurt his best friend. In the past Robert had never seemed to think his own happiness mattered just as much as Aaron's and it would be so easy for Aaron to take advantage of Robert's instinctive propensity to put the well being of his loved ones before his own. James wouldn't let that happen, he would protect Robert from everyone even if Robert didn't want to be protected.  
*******  
Aaron took a sip of his strong black coffee and hoped it would keep him awake enough to get through the day. He had been unable to get more than three hours sleep a night since returning to the village and had noticed the concerned look in Adam’s eyes. He had gently rebuffed Adam's attempts to get him to talk about his nightmares. He could never explain his nightmares to Adam without revealing what had happened to Robert and doing so would mean betraying Robert’s trust yet again. It hadn’t escaped his mind that Robert had clearly been raped before Rebecca and it hurt that Robert had never talked about it. Was it just a case of Robert having moved past the rape or had Robert been afraid talking about it would cause Aaron to have flashbacks?

Aaron’s waking hours were just as tormented as his nights, as he recalled just how much he had hurt Robert, of how he had rejected every call Robert had made to him since their breakup. The calls had always been at night or in the early hours but he had always let them ring a couple of times before pressing reject out of some childish need to hurt Robert. He was sickened by thought that each one of those calls were probably Robert reaching out for a voice to chase away his nightmares just like Robert had one done for him no matter what time he called. 

Aaron accepted that he had been bi-phobic in the past and it was this latent bi-phobia that made it so easy for him to believe Robert had cheated on him with Rebecca. Even when Robert had told him being bisexual didn’t mean he was going to cheat, he hadn’t believed it. He had never even considered the possibility of Robert cheating on him with another man but it felt so natural that Robert would cheat on him with a woman.

He desperately needed to find Robert and beg for forgiveness but he had no idea how to find his missing love. He knew Robert might not be ready to be in a relationship, if so, he would tell Robert he loved him and vow to always be there in whatever capacity Robert needed. Robert had waited for him to be ready to love and date again after his childhood abuse had been revealed. He so clearly remembered that cold day in the park when he had tried to kiss Robert who had pulled back, insisting that Aaron hadn’t been emotionally ready for it and at the time Robert had been right. Robert had been so patient and gentle with him, he would do no less for his love.

Sitting at the desk that he had once shared with Robert, Aaron took his phone from his pocket, hand hovering over the speed dial before he took a calming breath and pressed call. He had no idea what to say but he needed to hear Robert’s voice, if only to anchor him to reality. The phone rang three times before going to answerphone and Aaron felt a lump in his throat as he listened to the message.

“If it's Friday night I'm at the football and Saturday morning, if it’s not raining I’m going to the cabin and I will be gone all weekend but I will call you back when I get back on Sunday afternoon. If this Aaron, I still love you.”

Aaron took a deep breath before leaving his mobile number, hoping Robert would return his call. He would be patient and let Robert make the first move. Looking down at the desk, Aaron realised just what was missing, Robert’s black address book. It was something he had made fun of, saying it was something that belonged on the desk of an old man but Robert has insisted that it was an essential part of their business as it held all of their contacts. He frantically searched the drawers letting out a snarl of frustration when he couldn’t find anything. It had been his one hope at finding James and hopefully, Robert.

“You okay there, mate?” Adam asked, wary of saying something that could upset his friend who seemed on edge since returning to the village.

Aaron ignored the stupid question explaining, “I can’t find Robert’s black book. Do you think he took it with him?”

“I...I put it in the cupboard in case we needed it for something. The flash asshole always had contacts everywhere; I just thought they might be useful someday. He did bring in a lot of business.”

Aaron ignored the embarrassment radiating from his friend at having to admit there was something Robert was good at. He didn’t know how he had missed how reluctant Adam was to acknowledge when Robert did something good or helpful but now wasn't the right time to deal with Adam's issues.

Looking through the cupboard, Aaron spied it at the very bottom in a box covered by a bunch of old newspapers. Moving them aside, Aaron took the book out and quickly turned the pages until he got to the J’s, disappointed when the only entry was T Jones-Richards. It appeared Robert had organised the contacts by surname first. Seeing how full the A4 sized book was, Aaron resigned himself to spending the day reading and calling anyone with a J initial.  
*******  
Cain resolved to do something to find Robert, not only for Aaron’s well being but also for himself. He had to atone for his crime of condemning an innocent man and even worse for hurting an assault victim. He had failed to protect Robert and he refused to fail his family again, Robert should be with his family so they could help him heal because that’s what family did.

He had put some feelers out to his various contacts asking for any information they could gather on Robert but knowing the blond, he wouldn’t make it easy for someone to find him. Harriet had been surprisingly reluctant to give him any information but eventually she would drop her guard and give them some information to help them find Robert. If all else failed, he would ask Aaron to talk to Harriet. He knew his nephew would gladly do it, if it helped find Robert but Cain was reluctant to ask such a thing, knowing how closely Aaron guarded his privacy. He would give Harriet another day to provide some information before asking Aaron to speak to her.

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the poem Walsingham by Walter Ralegh.  
> The work has various inspirations, the first one being the song Austin by Blake Shelton.


End file.
